Hi friends! Happy Wednesday, welcome to another stream-of-consciousness blog - Wednesday vibes.
I don't know what it is, but today in particular, I have been struggling with a lack of motivation. I don't know whether it's an extreme writer's block or I'm in a funk, so I thought to try and tackle it, I could go back to my roots and write a stream-of-consciousness style blog. If you don't know what that is, basically, it's like a bit of a brain dump where you just write what comes to mind without thinking too much about it.
I think I put a lot of pressure on myself to keep up with content creation and today is just not my day. I thought it was going to be. I woke up early because Luke went into the office today, read some of my book and did a 20-minute workout, which I thought would put me in the mood to write, but as soon as I got my laptop open, I was just staring at a blank page. I've been trying to force myself to work and it just wasn't going anywhere. So, I decided to give myself a break and watch a few YouTube videos and see if I could get back into the groove. So that's where we are now. There has also been a lot of machinery and lawn mower noises down my street so that's been a bit frustrating too and that's not an excuse, just an observation.
I've been struggling a lot with my inner critic and being super hard on myself and the people around me. I always feel so guilty if I feel sick - like I did yesterday, it felt like I had a head cold and my body just wanted to sleep, but I took some vitamins in the arvo and I perked up a little bit. But I felt guilty for napping, not working on my blog, and I even felt guilty for reading my book.
I feel like I've left it too late but I was thinking of doing a mini get-together for my birthday before we go away, but most people are going to be busy on my actual birthday so I might just have to deal with not doing anything and do something in NZ instead. I think I've just been so focused on getting my root canal finished (and it will be on Friday) that I've just been disassociating so long, that I didn't realise my birthday is in 3 weeks. I kinda feel like my birthday isn't that important anyway. So what's the point, ya know? It also feels like there are not a lot of people who would want to celebrate with me this year as they have better things to do. I think this feeling has kinda evoked a memory where I wanted to do something chill on the beach for my 21st but everyone bailed on me last minute and only a few people showed up.
With all that being said, I've been struggling with not being able to socialise with some friends. I know a lot of the time people are busy, but I don't remember the last time I saw someone other than Luke's family, and I get drained so easily that it's hard to reach out and make plans and then I don't know if I'm gonna feel okay. I already feel awful if I don't go to something, but sometimes I don't feel okay enough. I don't think people realise how much chronic fatigue I actually deal with on a daily basis and anxiety. Like, the other day we went to the mall and by the time we got back I was covered in sweat because the smallest thing happened of a guy not taking a security tag off something I bought and then another lady getting mad at me for going back and asking for it to be taken off. Like, that wasn't my fault? I just thought the guy who served me would have quickly done it and apologised but he just ignored us and that gave me so much anxiety and it just made me want to cry. Those moments are the moments where I need to stop myself from panicking but I think it just gets internalised and manifests in other ways. I do have a psychologist who I see regularly but you can't carry those around ya know, that would be weird.
I'm also struggling right now because I don't know if I'm going to get my goals done for 2024 and I know people say "Oh it's okay not to have them done by the end of the year" but they don't get that I feel like a failure if I don't achieve them. Like I've had the same bloody goal of getting to 10k Instagram followers for the past 5 years and I work so hard on content, but it's still the same goal and I just feel like I'm not good enough. But I also feel like some of my stuff is good enough, it's a battle for sure. And I think I've failed at a lot of things but always kept trying until I get there.
Sometimes I don't feel good enough to look after Benji and once someone said to me I was going to be a burden on Luke if we got a dog, and I don't think that was a fair judgement on me, because I put so much work into Benji Bear and for the most part, he's a well-behaved dog. But that comment has stuck with me and every time I try and tell myself it wasn't a malicious comment, I still feel sh*t. Comments like that sit with me every day and I don't know how to shake them, I know I can't control what other people say about me and they're always gonna have something to say, but when they legitimately think that, it's just awful. And to this day, I don't know whether they still think that or they changed their mind.
I think I'm saying too much in this blog and I'm scared who's gonna read it and who's gonna say something. Maybe no one will read it or maybe everyone will read it and it'll be the best-performing blog post of all time LOL. But right now, all I feel like doing is immersing myself into another world - whether that's through the book I'm reading, a TV show, a movie, or doom-scrolling social media. I am craving escapism but my brain is just so overactive I don't know where to escape to.
I also have lots of projects like free printables, an ebook, and a few other things I'm working on for the blog - maybe even a second blog and I think I might need to slow down. I have this thing where I give myself SOOO much to do and then get overwhelmed and I promise you I am trying to take one thing at a time but I guess it just comes back to the pressure I put on myself, like get sh*t done, prove everyone wrong. But I just don't know. I question myself about this direction, should I just go back to the corporate world and deal with the same struggles I did last time or should I continue to try and work for myself and build a supportive community?
Luke and I have a NZ trip coming up in the 2nd half of November and I'm excited but also worried at the same time, worried about what people are going to say about my blog and my videos, worried about who's gonna tell me I'm stupid for pursuing this and excited to see all the animals and my friends I haven't seen in yonks. I'm also excited to take Luke to my favourite places if we get to travel a little bit and I'm excited for a Jelly Tip!
I'm getting annoyed at people telling me not to worry about things, you can't just tell someone with anxiety not to worry. I wish it worked like that, but it doesn't. If you keep telling me to relax, I'm going to hyper-fixate and never think that anything is okay. I'm also so f*cking over know-it-alls and people who just tell me what to do and criticise me. Like just because you're older doesn't necessarily mean you're wiser. I do have life experience. I've been through stuff. Sometimes what works for your body doesn't work for someone else's.
Wow, I feel like this blog has been more on the negative side but I haven't really spoken to anyone much so I guess that's what happens. I think the cabin fever is setting in a little. I'm definitely not afraid to leave my house or anything like that and I'm not afraid to socialise - I don't want people to get the wrong idea. I think I've just got to add more things to look forward to. And I did just message one of my friends right now about a dinner next week as we have birthdays close together so hopefully, we can do something!
The cafe down our street has been closed for sooooo long that even if I wanted to go sit and work in a cafe to help with my cabin fever, I'd have to go quite far. Like how good would it be to go down to a cute cafe and work with a coffee and a smoothie? Plus, they made the best chai lattes. We have no idea when they are reopening, their socials don't say anything and we haven't seen anyone who works there since it's been closed.
I want cookies. I'm going to go find a cookie now.
Anyway, thanks for reading my rambles! Hopefully, the next few blogs will be a bit more on the positive side.
I hope you've had a good day and I'll see you very soon!
Much love,
Ash xoxo
Wishing you all the best