Things I'm embarrassed to admit

Hi friends! I feel like my post "Things that I find embarrassing for no reason" did really well the other day, so why not do one about things I'm embarrassed to admit LOL. I hope you enjoy my authenticity and vulnerability hahaha.

Here goes!

• I struggle with my physical and mental health a lot.

• I feel like I am dissociating whenever I have a panic attack and things don't feel real.

• Body image isn't something I talk about a lot, but ever since I've been on certain medications + living in Melbourne, I have gained a bit of weight. I struggled a lot when I was younger to put on weight (and trust me, I ate a lot) so now that I finally have, I feel a bit ashamed about it.

• I'm scared of going through drive-thrus.

• When someone tells me something like "are you going to eat all that?" or "you can't finish that", it makes me not want to eat it.

• I failed my restricted license but I'm glad I did get it in a manual (I do now have my full license).

• I'm sooo scared of ants. I have gotten a lot better but they still give me the heebie jeebies. Spiders are okay though.

• When I was younger, about 14/15 maybe, I found one of my acoustic guitars broken in my wardrobe, like someone had ripped it off but I think mum put it down as earthquake insurance and I got a new one. It was never the same and I didn't want to learn guitar after that. I have a strong suspicion that someone actually broke it.

• I'm too scared to go back to the dentist after the one the other year caused nerve damage by not using an anesthetic on some fillings I had. A bit of an update - I have since been and now am getting some work done over the next few weeks (hopefully private health insurance helps with the cost - pls keep interacting with the blog to help me).

• I HATE answering the door, it gives me so much anxiety.

• I also hate phone calls.

• I used to play Scrabble by myself as a way to entertain myself. I think that's how I got so good at it.

• The movie Milk was my s*xual awakening (sorry parents LOL).

• I struggle to make decisions but I think I've gotten better at it.

• I don't like having to have human interactions such as ordering takeaway or ordering a coffee. I can do it, I just don't like it. I think it stems from mum always making me do it when I was little.

• I get embarrassed when I tell people about my blog as a lot of people will say "it's not real work".

• I'm terrible at drinking enough water.

• I have no issue talking about my IBS but if it comes to things like UTIs, Kidney Stones etc etc. I'm embarrassed.

• I still feel so self-conscious in bathing suits.

• Imposter syndrome is a real thing for me.

• I spend way too much time online.

• I am 1000% a closet bogan. I love car shows, cars, driving cars, derby shows, monster trucks, watching the car racing. It's kinda soothing for me in a way - a time where I can really switch off. I think it also stems from a) having to learn to drive a manual and b) a lot of my mates in primary school and high school were boys (now men) so I was naturally allured to the cars because they were interested in it.

• Once I tried to be a screamo singer and I honestly couldn't do it - I was 13 I don't know what I was thinking, I think I just wanted to say "I'm in a band".

• I was secretly jealous in year 11 when the orchestra groups went to Europe, but I did like how some of us built really solid friendships while they were away.

• I LOVE reality tv like The Bachelor.

• I used to love reading Cosmopolitan magazines.

• I like it when someone else cooks for me.

• My dating history. And I'm currently uploading a bit of a story time on YT about that - yikes. Obviously, not Luke - he's the best partner.

• That I was dumb enough to get my social media accounts hacked.

• That multiple academics have told me that I'll never get a PhD scholarship.

• How much my student loan is (it's not pretty).

• When Luke pays for things (like I think it's even but times he pays more and vice versa).

• Once I had a newspaper delivery job and it didn't pay very much.

• My wheat bag doubles as pain relief for my stomach but also as a comfort thing to sleep with.

• I hate when people tell me what to do, it just grinds my gears.

• Sometimes I will eat cheese before bed to see if I have any weird dreams.

• I'm embarrassed that I don't know how to make proper coffee and that coffee machines confuse me.

• I'm embarrassed to admit that I've needed help while living overseas.

• I'm embarrassed that my IBS led to the decline of work in the corporate world.

• Once my car broke down driving home at 3am and all it needed was an oil change.

• I don't know if I'd be able to change a tyre - I've been shown and could probably do it but idk.

• I get scared driving around Melbourne (and arguably the roads are worse in NZ).

• That I have a slipped disc and can't always carry a lot (like I'm not supposed to lift more than 20kg). I think it's let me down in the past when I haven't been able to do manual labour work around farms etc.

• When an event upsets me or sticks with me for longer than it should.

• When I have to stick up for myself, I feel embarrassed and anxious.

• I've had a ruptured cyst.

• I struggle making my vlogs.

• I did not pass year 13 (but hey, look at me now).

• I failed an anthropology essay in first year university. I also nearly failed LING101 but majored to just get through and thank you to a lovely friend who helped me with one of my assignments.

• Once I wore the wrong shoes on a hike and one of my toenails fell off.

• I have not "touched on/off" before re myki and I was so scared. I think I only did it because my card didn't work and there was no staff on at the station I was at.
  

Can you relate? Haha

That's all! Much love,

Ash xoxo