Welcome, dear writers and fellow humanoids, to this satirical guide on how to overcome the dreaded writer's block. Something that I struggle with all the time. Some people might offer you genuine advice, encouragement, and support, but today we're not here to do that. We're going to take a slightly different approach and take a deep dive into the abyss of creative stagnation, so make sure your sense of humour is at the ready. Sidenote: Luke asked me to write a funny blog post, so here you go, satire at its finest.
Step 1: Embrace the void!
The first thing to do is accept your fate. Let's face it, your creativity is as barren as the desert. Here, you want to embrace the dooming pit of emptiness of your mind and revel in the sheer nothingness of your ideas. It's not every day you get to experience such profound nothingness. Maybe a meditation might help? Soak the all-encompassing nothingness in like a wet sponge sitting on your countertop.
Step 2: Procrastinate like a pro!
It's fair to say that you've just completed your first step by acknowledging your creative bankruptcy and as they say in those situations, the first step is acceptance. Now that you've accepted the void of nothingness, it's time to take a deep dive into the fine art of procrastination baby. I encourage you to browse the internet aimlessly, have you been on Reddit recently? Seen the latest tabloids? Make sure you also binge-watch every series on Netflix that you possibly can, and indulge in more time-wasting activities like doom scrolling on social media. Remember, the longer you procrastinate, the more justified your eventual burst of productivity will feel (or so they say).
Step 3: Play the blame game
Next up, it's time to assign blame, liberally of course. Remember, it's definitely not your own fault that you've got writer's block, of course it's someone else's. Blame that really annoying noisy neighbour who vacuums after 9pm (something that's oddly illegal in Victoria), blame the weather that's been way too nice lately so you've been outside more often than usual or the weather that's been way too cold you haven't had any motivation, blame your pet goldfish Gary for not being supportive enough or inspiring enough. Come on, Gary, where's your inspiration? Heck, blame the universe if you even want to for not giving you enough creative ideas. But most importantly, remember that refusing to take responsibility for your lack of creativity is an essential step in the process.
Step 4: Seek Inspiration in All the Wrong Places
The saying goes, "Desperate times call for desperate measures" so use that to your advantage and take yourself on a quest for inspiration in the most absurd places imaginable. Grab your favourite fantasy or sci-fi novel, and jump into the book, and find yourself in a whole new alternative reality taking your quest to the ultra next next level. Jump back out when you've had enough. Fantasy hopping not your thing? Okie, how about going behind your refrigerator, checking for inspo at the bottom of an empty cereal box, or even in your tangled headphones? Who knows? Maybe the secret to your success is in a half-eaten bag of chips or maybe it's in the bottom of a condensed milk tin because you decided you wanted to try the red wine and condensed milk TikTok trend.
Step 5: Practice the Art of Overthinking
Overthinking is my favourite step in this process because it's one of those underrated skills every single writer should master. You MUST and I urge that you MUST spend hours on end analysing every single word, every sentence, and every comma or semi-colon in your work. Dissect it like you would a sheep's heart in high school, obsess over it like you would your first crush, and make sure you do so until you feel like your head is about to explode. Remember, perfectionism is the enemy of productivity, but overthinking? That's the real path to greatness.
Step 6: Consult The Oracle (AKA Google)
Once all else has failed, you must turn to the mighty Oracle, Google. Type in "how to overcome writer's block" and marvel at the plethora of contradictory advice. From meditation to drinking copious amounts of coffee/tea/water, the internet has all the answers. And not just 42. Just remember to take everything with a grain of salt (preferably Himalayan pink salt for that extra touch of sophistication). And while you're at it, feel free to go down as many rabbit holes as you like. Let me know where you end up.
Step 7: Surrend to the void
Finally, when all other options have been exhausted and your deadline comes looming in like when you get all the red lights driving home when you really need to use the bathroom, you must surrender. Accept defeat graciously and resign yourself to the fact that maybe, just maybe, you're not meant to be a writer after all. Embrace your newfound identity as a professional procrastinator and wear it with pride.
And there you have it, dear reader, fellow humanoid, aspiring writer, your ultimate guide to overcoming writer's block (or not). Remember, laughter is the best medicine, especially when faced with the creative abyss. So, go forth and conquer that blank page with all the absurdity you can muster!
Huh?
Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed this post as it's a little bit different to my normal blogs.
Some Benji tax!
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Much love,
Ash
PS: HAPPY MAY 2024
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