Day 39 of "Figuring it Out" - Craving Cupcakes

Good afternoon friends and fam! Welcome back to another daily blog post from yours truly, Ash!

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Don't you hate when you have a preferred name (e.g., Ash) but people still continue to call you Ashleigh when you've told them so many times how much you dislike being called your full name? Or what's even worse, when people spell your name wrong! Like if you don't know how to spell it, just write Ash, it's so much easier to spell.

Do you also sometimes get so anxious and upset over things that you feel like you shouldn't exist? Like it would be easier if you disappeared from society - not in an unsubscribe from life kinda way - but in a way where you feel like you should disappear from social media and the internet and see if anyone notices? I don't know why I'm feeling this down lately but I am struggling a little bit mentally. I don't know if it's because if I'm struggling to find my purpose, or the weather, or just life in general but last night I felt quite sad. I think I am also starting to overthink things that I shouldn't really be overthinking - like not being invited to something back in NZ (even though I live in Melbs atm) and don't wanna ask why and intrude on anyone. Or maybe it's that I haven't had the energy for much social interaction lately and I feel a bit of cabin fever from how often I am getting sick (B12 and iron supplements are awful if you have IBS and I've also found out they can correlate to people getting IBS after taking them - so that's no fun). I wish I was more of a fan of red meat - that might help me a bit more. Or maybe it's just all of the above reasons and my brain is struggling to cope. My partner Luke said to me the other day that he's proud of me for still going as much as I can and no one would blame me if I just curled up into a blanket every day. But as Dory Says, just keep swimming.

I just came out of a meeting with my current manager and we had the discussion for my leave day to be a week earlier as I had already given extra notice anyway. So as I'm rostered on this weekend, Sunday will be my last official working day and Monday will be my official last day (but as an RDO) where all I have to do is take back my equipment to the office. Yay for chronic health issues. I just want to stop getting so sick honestly. But that means new adventures ahead for Ashy. It's so scary to think about, but right now, my health just has to come first. And I have a few things that I want to get sorted as well such as:

• Deep cleaning the house

• Organising the garden

• Re-organising the cupboards and pantry in the kitchen

• Spend more time working on the blog

• Finally get a new laptop (even though I love my Microsoft Surface that I've had for so long)

• Look at more freelancing stuff e.g., selling digital prints

• Work on design skills via Canva more

• Start posting on social media more and see where that leads to

• Learn to bake a yummy bread

• Catch up on all the sewing I need to do for clothes

• Start writing guided meditations and post online

• Look at selling slam poetry online

• Learn new recipes and post on blogs/YT

• Take a lot more photos especially of sunrises and sunsets

• Spend more time in nature relaxing and taking photos

• Start drawing and painting more

• Organise my birthday

• Organise Christmas presents

• Start writing a book (maybe - idk what about though)
  

I don't know if I'll achieve all of these things but writing it down in a public space will at least keep me accountable. If only I had the knowledge that I have now back when covid first hit and we went straight into lockdown (NZ lockdowns were awful - no takeaway at all and the only things open were supermarkets, servos, and healthcare providers). I do not want to go back. But yeah, I hope a really good rest will help me get back on track and open up many other avenues for myself. I think this break will be really good for me both mentally and physically. Although if I get to the end of these 3 months of iron supplements and I find out my body still hasn't absorbed enough iron, I'ma be so mad. But hey, we're getting there.

I also feel like people might judge me for taking a break when lots of things are currently going wrong, but honestly, what's worse? Burning myself out so much that I end up in hospital with how sick I get or actually taking agency and taking a break for myself? It's not going to be forever as I cannot see myself as a housewife (because I get bored easily and that's so unfair and heteronormative and gross, ugh) so I'll definitely work again but right now, my body is like NOPE, here's turbo tummy, constant nausea, feeling like you have the flu all the time without actually having the flu, headaches, dizziness, and some days not even being able to stand up straight bleugh. It's just really frustrating because I eat healthily, exercise as often as I can (although atm, 15 - 30 min walks a day are really my limit), I partake in self-care activities, have a good support network but unfortunately, I don't get to control my health. Wouldn't it be nice if we could? Hey, who knows, maybe one day I'll win the lottery (let's manifest that for me) haha. Honestly, I'd probably just go and save all the dogs if that happened (and also pay off my student loan but that's not something I am going to think about right now). Education should be free.

Also I titled today's blog post Craving Cupcakes because I really feel like cupcakes for some reason. I went through an old Facebook album where I shared lots of inspirational images (back as a tumblr princess in 2011) and saw a couple of cupcake ideas I wanted to try out. Cookie Monster Cupcakes and also Pacman Cupcakes. I made Cookie Monster cupcakes once but I don't think I have a photo so I'm definitely adding them to the list. I'll grab some google images below for inspo!

What do you think? Should I give these cupcakes a go? I'm also going to do some baking for my birthday soon so I think that'd be a good time to try them out. I'm not sure whether the Cookie Monster ones would be better with choc chip cookies or oreos but maybe choc chip cookies because of what Cookie Monster actually likes. I also haven't worked with fondant in a very long time so I don't know how well I would go with that, but I think it would be interesting - just get some different coloured fondants and try out these things. As I write this, it feels like I'm simultaneously making excuses for why it might turn out bad but also that I'm excited to try these things. My stream of consciousness writing is so weird. Please let me know if you enjoy this style of blogging or if I should try out a different style (Google still thinks I have low value content so hopefully as I continue to go on, people continue to read and enjoy my daily rambles). But also if you absolutely hate it, just don't read it. I'm not sure if I can handle too much hate criticism at the moment while I recover but I am sure I will be able to get back into the mindset I am known for - when I don't actually care what other people think of me and am unapologetically myself - that's something I've always held close to me but am struggling with atm.

Anyway, for today's question! I want to keep it baking themed. What type of icing do you prefer? Is it buttercream? Fondant? Ganache? Marzipan? Or something else perhaps? Let me know in the comments below! Mine are buttercream and ganache! Side note - for our house warming, I made little tarts with Ganache and everyone loved them but I never got a chance to try one myself so I am going to have to make those again and see how delicious they were (let's hope I don't screw them up).

I think that's all I want to talk about for now! Soooo I'll see you later alligator! Have a lovely Monday and make some cupcakes!

Ka kite,

Much love,

Ash xx